Listen. I am tired.
Late stage capitalism is not it. Most families can’t survive for any amount of time on one income. At the same time, the patriarchy still piles on women and mothers- heaping expectations and judgement and scorn. We’re judged for working. We’re judged for not working. We’re judged for “keeping a messy house”. We’re judged for taking time for ourselves. We’re judged for not taking time for ourselves and “letting ourselves go”. We’re judged for expecting our partners to be better/more useful/contributing members of the household. We are judged for all of it. And it is exhausting.
For decades, many of us have been trying to get more done in the day. The daughters of Boomers who were told they could be anything, we have been trying to have it all for a minute. The impossibility of it all really started to come into focus in the national consciousness with the 2013 publication of Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead“. Eight months into the pandemic, sociologist Jessica Calarco put it bluntly in the Culture Study substack, “Other countries have social safety nets. The U.S. has women.”
The Situation on the Ground
The thing is- that no amount of naming this as a problem changes the fact that most of us need help balancing work/life/family/health. And at the end of the day, working moms are trying to get all the things done. No amount of saying, “I am tired of doing all this second shift labor” changes the fact that laundry still needs to be done. Groceries still need to be bought. Pets still need their meds. Teachers are going to email the moms.
If you’re like me, you probably turn to the Masters of ProductivityTM for tips on how to do it all. And you’re likely disappointed (at best) or enraged (at worst), by the advice: wake up at 4am and go for a run. Simplify your wardrobe so you don’t have to choose what you’re wearing. Drink mushroom coffee. Meditate. Exercise. Do yoga. Work 3 hours, then take a break. Go walk 13 miles in the sunshine. Work another 4 hours. Call it a day.
Naming It
For working moms, none of that is realistic. Many of us are trying to hold it together in a patriarchal system that does not value care work. second shift labor, emotional labor, and the mental load. And I AM 100% OVER IT.
I am tired of productivity advice written by men. A lot of it is garbage. Most of it doesn’t acknowledge the substantial labor that goes on in the background of their lives to ensure that these dudes can get up at 4am and take their cold showers before settling into their home office to record their podcast. Or build their course. For me, I would be a lot more interested in the productivity advice written by the partners of these men- who can speak to how much or little these “Masters of ProductivityTM” contribute to their households and their shared lives.
Because the honest truth? Many working mothers do not have the luxury of focusing on singular topics/projects for extended periods of time. Mothers are the ones that get called to pick up sick kids in the middle of the day. Mothers are the ones making sure the household runs- that there is lunch for kids, permission forms are signed, etc. Many are whipping through their workdays so that they bolt from the office at 5 to get kids to sports. Or they are taking work calls while in the school pickup line. And they are doing it while competing with men in the workplace who either have partners at home handling household and kid management or, are themselves shirking household tasks.
Is there good productivity and life/time management advice out there? Yes. Some of it is written by men who don’t acknowledge how they are able to think their Deep Thoughts and produce so much (read: their partners who run the household and family care tasks). Are there good partners out there who pull their weight? Sure. But the existence of these rare partners doesn’t assuage the feeling that most of us drowning under the responsibilities of working like we don’t have families and mothering like we don’t work.
What I am Doing
What I am hoping to do in this space is to cull the productivity advice space for the best and share it here, with caveats. I am also hoping to build a community of like-minded women who are in similar seasons of their lives- wanting to be there for their families, have beautiful homes, and work in a way that is fulfilling and productive, without burning out. So, if that is what you’re looking for, do stay a awhile. The plan is to have book reviews, product reviews, “life hacks” and all manner of things I think might make someone’s life easier somewhere.
Keywords: late-stage capitalism, mental load, care tasks